Saturday, December 31, 2016

Bye 2016, hello 2017!

2016 has been a busy year with ups and downs, when I didn't write on blog as much as it happened.
It has been an year full of events worldwide and also professionally and personal. If you ask me what I remember of 2016 I would tell you that I remember working a lot, but I still have doubts if this is the direction I want to continue...I'll have to see
In between of working a lot and being very tired by the end of the year, I enjoyed some Byron concerts and finally got to see HURTS live at Summer Well in august.
I didn't write about Summer Well, but I really loved the experience, the place, the happy people and the concerts. I discovered there Milky Chance really good live, the Neighborhood - some kind of pop rock.
HURTS were really great and I sang and danced all the concert. My surprise were The Chemical Brothers, with a great concert, the best visuals I'd seen and a story built from a song to another. I couldn't stop dancing at their concert. Definitely a must see!
I don't know what they planned for 2017 ,but I might go again at Summer Well. 
What it's sure is that I'm going to see Depeche Mode in Cluj :) in july. And I also want a Placebo 20 years concert.
As for travels , I finally saw Balchik in June and it was so different that I imagined, but I liked it.
Then in October with a great cold I'd been in Berlin for 5 days and it managed to surprise me again. I saw the Wall that  I wanted to see for years and the Brandenburg gate. 
Potsdam was such a great experience with its lovely buildings, the park and San Soucci Palace. 
For 2017 I have some travelling ideas and I hope to be able to travel more , because that's when I really feel free and alive.
2016 was not such a good year for my health as I discovered the thyroid problem called Graves Disease and still try to get used to it.
I had also seen a lot of good movies and read many great books.
After all the ups and downs there are moments when I feel stronger and more zen and I hope to keep on with this feeling.
I want some changes for 2017:to be healthy and fit, to eat the right food as possible, exercise more, have positive experiences, love and travel.

Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 17, 2016

My writing:Blue December(24)

It's December again. That time of the year when everybody runs for shopping and presents like it's the end of the world.
And in this mess all I want is to have a book in front of me and a cup of coffee...
It's been a hard period since last month when I found out about Graves and begin the treatment with anti thyroid meds. 
It's been the denial and anger phase and the part when I have to stop exercising until my pulse goes under 80...
This week had been a mess, I haven't been well  for the first time I began the treatment: extremely tired, headaches. I wasn't in the mood for work or anything, all I wanted was more sleep. 
And the more I'd slept the tired I'd been... I also have that feeling that whatever I eat makes me gain weight.
I totally hate all these changes or this disease I understand so little, even if I'd read everything I could find.
I want not to be this tired and to exercise again like I used to.
I almost put into work an idea I had 4 years ago and I felt nothing of the joy I used to...
What's wrong?
The plans I had are hidden in a dark corner while I try my best to keep going.
So I'll have to go with baby steps and no plans.
I also keep missing you every day... I miss you the most!

Friday, December 02, 2016

10 ani Byron @ Club Hush

Cand si-au lansat albumul Eternal Return la Pitesti in martie, Byron au promis ca vor reveni pentru a sarbatori 10 ani de activitate.
Pitesti cred ca a fost ultima oprire pentru acest turneu, dar si locul unde au inceput acum 10 ani....
I-am vazut pentru prima data live in 2014 si de atunci nu ma mai satur... I-am vazut mai apoi la Hard Rock Cafe intr-o seara de mai, la un Impromtu la Clubul Taranului Roman la sfarsit de decembrie anul trecut si in toate concertele pe care le-au avut in Hush.
Aveam nevoie de niste clipe cu muzica lor in perioada asta!

Concertul a fost impartit in doua parti: prima dedicata lui Costin Oprea, cu piese de pe albumul Ups and Downs si apoi cateva melodii ale Luciei, care mi-a placut mult live.
A fost emotionanta aceasta parte, stiu cum este sa-ti fie dor de cineva care nu mai e.Un lucru minunat ca ne-au reamintit de Costin si muzica lui.
A doua parte a fost concertul mult asteptat, un mixt de piese de pe albumele din cei 10 ani care au trecut. Am ascultat : On the Road, Zeltgeist, Don't want to entertain you, Ochii tai, 1000 chipuri, Peace, Marea, Cu capul in nori, Peace of mind, The night,Perfect,etc.
Mi-au placut mult Tumo, pe care am auzit-o live pentru prima oara si Gone Fishing , care este preferata mea de pe Eternal Return.
Proiectiile video au fost interesante si perfect alese pentru fiecare piesa.

Personal am simtit lipsa unor piese din playlist : Loosing Control, City on Fire, Little by little, Cu sange rece sau It ain't gonna happen today...
Baietii au fost minunati ca de fiecare data, concertul s-a terminat undeva dupa 01:30, sincer mi-ar fi placut sa dureze mult,mult.
Starea de euforie si zen dupa concert m-a tinut cateva zile la rand.

Long live byron!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

My writing: One more crisis(23)

A crisis is unpredictable most of the time and it hits you suddenly without realizing what happened.
This year on my birthday I decided to take the annual blood tests and I had no idea of the surprise that was coming.
Apparently out of nowhere after other multiple tests I found out that I had an autoimmune thyroid problem , called Graves disease. It just hit it me, very hard.
I searched everything I could find about it: meds, ways to treat, diet,etc. What it scares me is that it's very tricky: the meds must be taken for max 2 years, then you have to see if it works and you don't have a relapse, because if you have one you have to either take the surgical approach or the radioactive iodine.
I was shocked, in denial and didn't understand where was the positive solution. I still can't see it now, all I know is that it's disease based on stress.
If I were to make a choice today I would choose the most practical approach, the radioactive iodine, it gets you to hypothyroidism and it's way easier to treat.
But I also have to consider having kids in the future and this makes harder to choose a decision.
After my mum died I didn't want to see doctors or hospitals for some time. Now I have to make tests every 2-3 months hoping the results get better and it's stressing too.
I am in anger phase now, I don't understand why this happened to me when I was finally ready to move on.
The first week on anti thyroid meds was awful, I had been extremely tired. 
Another aspect that bothers me is that I could get more weight than I already had without knowing about it, even if I had tried different diets, sport,etc. 
At least now I understand why I was so tired, why no diet worked or why I came home crying after work many times.
I try not to stress as much as I can, to eat healthy, to have patience on the long process that I have ahead.
Maybe I will be stronger when this phase ends, but I surely didn't want any of it.

Monday, November 21, 2016

The Young Pope: A True Masterpiece

I've waited a little before writing this post,because I had to see the last 2 episodes of The Young Pope, so I can have the whole image.
As far as I'm concerned this is the best movie/ series of 2016 and I couldn't find any flow yet.
With The Young Pope began my crush for Jude Law and his huge talent.

The new Pope is the youngest American Pope, Lenny Belardo , who was raised by the age of 8 by sister Mary in an orphanage after he had been abandoned by his hippie parents.
This is a theme that will follow him through all the episodes, looking to find them and why he had been abandoned.
As he says, he's a contradiction: drinks Cherry Coke Zero for breakfast, smokes, prays for a woman to get pregnant and she does, doesn't like to be seen in public, loves babies, is cynical and arrogant.
But he's also a conservative and wants to restore the old glory by being mysterious and untouchable.
It is impossible to forget his first speech in front of all St Peter's Square : "What have we forgotten?"...." We have forgotten happiness"

By knowing everything around him he succeeds in maintaining his position. The episode 8 is very powerful and you begin to understand why he's called a saint.
Episode 9 has a beautiful monologue with Lenny staying on a beach and talking about lost and found love.  
"What is more beautiful my love? Love lost or love  found?
Don't laugh at me, my love, I know I'm awkward and naive when it comes to love and I ask questions straight out of the pop songs.
To find or to lose?
In the end, my love, we have no choice, we have to find it".
You can imagine a forbidden love story between Lenny and another woman, but this isn't going to happen, he's way to conservative.
Episode 10 brings Lenny in Venice, addressing the people with a lovely speech, still searching for his parents. The end is quite unexpected and leaves an open door for a second season.

Rome and Vatican are lovely, the architecture, the gardens, the costumes, everything is perfect.
Jude Law made an incredible role, going from a cynical and arrogant pope, to showing his insecurities, his softer side , building this image as a whole. There is no doubt about his great talent or beautiful face :) 
I hope there is going to be a season 2 because it totally got me and I will see these 10 episodes again and again for sure!

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

About Dom Hemingway and my crush Jude Law

I remember seeing Alfie years ago and thought it was a funny movie with a good looking actor. I saw Alfie again last weekend and nothing changed that much....
But the trigger was The Young Pope, the new HBO miniseries where Jude Law is playing an american young non-conformist pope who drink Cherry Zero Coke.
So I wanted to search and see more movies with Jude Law and Dom Hemingway was the lucky one.
I barely recognized Jude Law or his lovely face in this movie, a 2013 British black comedy.
The monologue in the beginning is quite fun and probably the thing you will remember after seeing this movie.
So Dom( Jude Law) is a safe cracker who spent 12 years in prison and now seeks his payment. He's funny, goes from angry to laughing, but always getting his way.
But in spite of all his running after money he wants to be accepted again by his daughter, so a little piece of happiness.
What I liked was another monologue, at his wife's grave, where he becomes human again. That reminded my that I used to know someone who was very unhappy and I could understand better that feeling.
This character is not what you would generally expect from Jude Law, kind of the opposite, but is so well played, that you begin to like it in spite of all the flaws and stupid things he does.
I will write separately about the Young Pope, which is probably the best movie of 2016.

Thursday, October 27, 2016


5 days left until my next birthday and it felt like a quarter-life crisis.

Never liked my birthday and don't know if I will some day( just like Christmas, Easter,etc). So, every year I try to just let it pass and act like on any other day.

And before it, there is this need of trying to evaluate my life. I don't have a clear image yet, i'm thinking and overthinking.  
Most of the times I see the aspects that bring a minus , but this year seems to be  much more that bother me. I figured out what it is and I will also try to find solutions.

Somehow I don't feel I'm where I'd imagined to be, maybe because 2 years ago things got under control and hadn't settled yet. Or maybe because I am Generation Y, we are impulsive, impatient and want things to be done quickly.

I know this , but I don't seem to have the patience to wait and see. I'm more an action person, quite unpredictable , who gets bored easily, so I need a constant change and challenge.

That's why maybe I'm far away from the usual model: married, kids, that impressive job,etc.

Instead I run to find the things that make and keep me happy on short and long term.  
I think I want the simple things: to be healthy, fit, a job I like that challenges me, travelling, freedom and love.

This year 2 of my travelling wishes came true: Balcic and Berlin and each of them were different than I expected.  There are so many other place I want to see : I want to return to Italy and visit Pompeii, still want to go to Paris( without Mr Right), Greece and Athens attracts me and the same does Israel or Morocco. 

So I wish this next period to be full of all the things and people that make my happier!

Happy bday, Ana!

Tuesday, October 04, 2016

My writing: Who am I, darling to you?(22)

I dreamed of rain , books and sweets. I also dreamed of you, the one I wish to be by my side each time I need.

The one that does understand all my silence, who looks into my eyes and sees my sadness or laughs with me on stupid jokes.

I want to stay outside on a cold night and look at the stars with you . Probably you don't understand but this calms me, reminds me of the ones I'd lost.

And when life had taken me the loved ones, I began to understand that time is short and limited and I can't spend it waiting.

There is always a familiar feeling when I'm near you. 

Who am I, darling to you?

I don't have an answer,but I miss you when you're not around. 

Sometimes I think you are a gift I received in this world, because only someone like you could have trusted  a broken soul.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

My writing: September story(21)

It was  a rainy September day. It had  been 5 year since I hadn't seen him or even thought about him.
And suddenly , out of nowhere, his image came to my mind so clear, all the details, small talks, like it happened yesterday.
Somehow I felt the urge to compare what was then to what is now and it seems to be 2 different lives. One mine and the other of a stranger.
It's like I was less who I used to be and more someone else and the past felt so far away.
I don't know if this had something to do with getting older, setting other priorities, dreaming other dreams. 
I don't even know which way was best,there are some regrets,painful moments, lessons I'd learnt, friends i'd made,people i'd loved.
Knowing how it is to lose someone you love, I am now grateful and I value all the people that love me, they are priceless.
I think it's normal to dream other dreams, nothing stays in the same shape and he was part of the past. A past that I'd loved and miss sometimes.
His memory hit me unexpectedly and it was so powerful and alive. There was a disturbing "what if" in my mind, challenging my thoughts.
"What if" things were different, I had been in another place, doing something different,could this had made me happier?
And I had no answer, I could only imagine a possible scenario...
It just felt strange that I thought of him when I tried to rebuild the present.... Maybe it was because of the rain.

Thursday, September 08, 2016

Azi ar fi fost ziua ta....

8 septembrie...Azi ar fi fost ziua ta, ai fi implinit 53 de ani...

Doar ca numaratoarea s-a oprit cu cateva luni inainte sa implinesti 51 de ani.

Azi nimic nu a mers, nu mi-am gasit locul, iar gandurile mele s-au indreptat numai catre tine. Ziua de azi a fost apasatoare, asa cum nu a mai fost de multa vreme, poate si pentru ca dupa toate cele intamplate in ultimele zile ti-am simtit si mai mult lipsa.

Azi nu am avut chef de glume sau alte banalitati, pentru ca lipsa ta mi-a reamintit de tot ce am pierdut si nu se mai intoarce. Sunt inca momente in care am flash-uri care dor, iar azi totul a fost atat de intens.

Te-am visat aseara, luam masa impreuna , erai fericita si radeam. Imi povesteai de copilul altcuiva si iti spuneam ironic : 'Cred ca am imbatranit', iar tu mi-ai spus : "Nu a zis nimeni ca nu vei imbatrani."

Cat adevar....

Si totusi asta nu ma face sa-mi fie mai putin dor, sa-mi lipseasca mai putin grija sau iubirea ta. Oare stii cat de greu imi este sa nu te vad?
Recent am visat ca ti-am pus aceeasi intrebare si mi-ai raspuns: " Si mie imi este dor de tine".

Cel mai adeasea ma simt norocoasa cand te pot revedea in vise, nu am mai mult....

Inca simt ultima imbratisare, imi amintesc cuvintele si dorintele ....

Imi este greu sa stiu ca nu-mi vei cunoaste copii, ca ei nu vor vedea cat de grozava esti, dar atata timp cat eu imi amintesc, tu existi!

Monday, July 25, 2016

Your story

I don't remember telling this story before.
Dave Gahan was singing " I'm just afraid of losing you" the same day I found out you were brought to hospital in brain death.
You had gone to work like any other day and never returned.... I was hoping you'd make it and then laugh about it.
Everything begin with the decision of some idiots that consumed you every day...
The moment I saw you in an emergency room vulnerable, with a body wanting to continue living and I dead brain was overwhelming.
In those moments I just wished you didn't suffer or suffer less.
I called to the hospital on a Tuesday morning, but you were gone. It didn't felt real, I was angry and shocked.
I couldn't stay near you, look at you or even say good bye. I was blocked.
weeks later I was still waiting for you to return, but never did.
It took me almost 6 months to go to your grave...
with your departure I learnt how to stand in front of death, so months later I could be near mom and not be afraid.
I still can't help my teas while writing and it's said that when you can tell your story without crying you're healed.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

My Writings: Tired (20)

All I want and need these days is to get lost somewhere far away... Actually I am so tired of this busy life with its imperfections. I want to sleep for days .

I would take you far away and tell you all the things I wasn't able to say before. And when all it's done I would feel free and healed.

Maybe then you'll understand why it was so hard before and the price that I had to pay. There are days when it still gets messy ,when the mind wants something and the soul the opposite. And is scary not to have certainty,it feels like having to solve an equation with many unknowns.

I know now that I need to feel everything ,even the negative feelings, completely, until there is nothing left to feel. 
I only hope that you can understand and have patience, cause it feels better in your arms.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

My Writings:Broken(19)

This world had broken me into pieces once again.
Rejection hurts, dreams that never came true,lack of trust and much more.
I thought I was strong enough after all I'd been through... But look at me, once again with tears in my eyes and a hole in my stomach.
I'm angry, mad and sad and I need lots of space and time to process all that happened.
I'm tired of talking and trying to convince this world that I am right.
I'm also too disappointed to believe in good and getting the worst.I know my worth and didn't picture things this way.
Tonight I don't want to talk, scream or fight. I only need to forget everything for a while and feel your arms around me. 
Cause when things turn worse and I'm broken into pieces I need to count on you. And if I start crying , just hold me closer.
Later I will take up the pieces and start rebuilding...

Saturday, June 25, 2016

My Writings: Hide (18)

I'm listening to this song over and over again and I can't help thinking...

I've played some kind of hiding game, waiting for you to make some steps. I might have done them myself , but I was unsure how things would turn out. You know I have trust issues...

Or maybe I just wanted you to be sure, so I'd be sure. The thing is I may seem intimidating and demanding sometimes, but I guess you've passed this stage long ago...

The truth is I've never tried to be different in front of you,maybe because you made me feel so comfortable. You learned to give me space when I got angry, sad or overwhelmed.

Sometimes I know you tried your best and  we  still had opposite ideas, but that's ok. I also know that you would understand my point if you stay and think a little about it. So I give you time...

You've also seen me at my worst , but didn't leave when others did. You will always have my support for this.

I also miss you when you're not around, I miss my friend...

Even when you make me angry for some stupid reason, I can't stop letting go , because I need my friend.

I know you also see the best in me, that I'm maybe not able to  see sometimes and I also know you've chosen me because of that. I need this support so I can improve, because there's a long way to go. I can fly, but I want his wings...

Tuesday, May 03, 2016

My Writings: I've lost enough(17)

I've lost enough so I know what matters and what is a waste of time. It's not a lack of ambition, but a smart choice.
I've lost enough so I can decide to leave when I can't grow or I feel unwanted. There's no help for anyone to continue lying that things are going to improve.
I've lost enough so I know what solitude means and it scares me no more.
I've lost enough time trying to believe all people are good and didn't want to see the fake. Surprising they get mad when you treat them the same way they did with you.
I've lost enough so I am the only one deciding my story. I don't like advice.
I've lost enough so I know how it feels to have no roots. This is still scary...
I've lost enough so I know how lies hurt. It doesn't matter if it's been long time ago, trust is damaged.
I've lost enough so I had to start everything again. I still don't know where this path goes...
I've lost enough so now I know I can only trust myself. 
I've lost enough so I know how it feels not to be able to hug, see or hear the loved ones. This is the hardest part.
I've lost enough so I know that missing you hurts the most.Every single day...

Sunday, April 17, 2016

2 ani

17 martie 2016

2 ani de dor.

A fost o saptamana grea, am alergat in dreapta si-n stranga , am vrut sa uit tot ce s-a intamplat in ultima vreme.
As vrea sa nu fiu atatea piese imprastiate, pe care sa trebuiasca sa le adun, as vrea sa am o imagine clara.
Intre timp am reusit sa amestec lucruri, sa iau decizii, pe care nu le regret, dar care nu au dus unde speram.
Uneori mi-as dori sa uit tot ceea ce m-a ranit.
Apoi am impresia ca doar am supravietuit in tot acest timp, pasii au fost prea mici, vad lucrurile care inca nu merg si prea putin pe cele de care sunt multumita.
Inca nu stiu daca am trecut acest test, sau ce trebuia sa insemne, stiu doar ca totul este dinamic, ups  & downs in fiecare zi.
Poate ca nimic nu ma putea schimba mai mult decat plecarea ta, nimic nu ar fi reusit sa-mi arunce dintr-o data atatea temeri in fata.
Nu e deloc usor sa lupti cu amintiri care dor, sa lasi in urma ceea ce-ti era cunoscut si sa incerci sa te adaptezi din mers.
Cumva simt ca am inceput o "noua viata" dupa plecarea ta. Da, e diferita de tot ce-mi imaginasem inainte, inca nu stiu daca e ceea ce imi doresc asa ca iau fiecare zi cum vine si incerc sa fiu mai aproape.
Sunt multe "planuri" care au ramas intr-un colt in asteptare, poate va veni si randul lor sau poate vor fi inlocuite de altele.
Uneori simt ca ai plecat ieri si astept sa te intorci...
Imi e dor si inca doare.

Monday, April 04, 2016

My Writings :Sa nu imi ceri prea mult(16)

Ascult de ceva vreme melodia asta si cumva vibrez la fiecare vers.....Sa nu imi ceri prea mult....

Oare de ce cautam mereu mai mult decat avem poate nevoie? De ce credem ca iarba e mai verde in alta parte?

Pentru ce alergam cu ochii inchisi, cu simturile amortite, pana ce picioarele ne dor? 

Dar nu ne oprim,nu, pentru ca e musai sa fim puternici... 

De ce trebuie sa fim cumva si sa intram in niste tipare prestabilite?  Eu nu cred ca trebuie , nu sunt aici sa bifez pe o lista pe care au mai bifat si altii inaintea mea.

Stiu, uneori chiar eu cer prea mult, de la mine,de la cei din jur, dar continui sa fac eforturi pentru a gasi un echilibru. 

Poate ca am cautat prea mult timp o imagine ideala a ceea ce trebuia sa fie, doar ca lucrurile s-au asezat diferit cel mai adesea si de aici au venit si dezamagirile...

E o mare greseala sa cautam si sa asteptam "perfectiunea" pentru ca trecem peste clipele care conteaza,dar nu le recunoastem pentru ca nu sunt stralucitoare.

M-am hotarat, nu vreau perfectiunea, nu imi impun ceea ce nu-mi doresc doar de dragul unor tipare.

Sa nu imi ceri prea mult...

E posibil sa aflii ca pot fi vulnerabila, acum vesela si increzetoare si mai apoi trista, cu doruri greu de suportat... 
Doar ca acum nu mai fug de nimic, simturile nu mai sunt amortite, ochii sunt deschisi si afara e iar primavara.

Promit la randul meu sa nu cer prea mult.

Sunday, April 03, 2016

My Writings: Hitting the ground(15)

So many things had happened recently that left me with a bitter taste.

I hit the ground again, but harder I could imagine when I began my search. And it hurts like hell , all my hopes gone for the moment, an empty space that doesn't want to disappear.

I was so angry that denial was the only way to handle this situation, denying to do what I thought I was best at. Somehow I'm still mad I can't do what I want now, that I have to wait some more unknown time... 

And this is not because I decided this, it's because others decided for me and I really hate the situation 

Back to my search, I know for sure what I want now, what I can do.I hit the ground hard , so what? It's not the first time, I will raise and continue until I succeed. I know I don't want to give up because things were wrong, this has nothing to do with my abilities.

I may be in the " no care" mood for a while until waters cool down and I won't feel the bitter taste so intense.

And the mornings are hard, because you have to motivate somehow to continue, knowing it's not exactly what you want... 

I wonder how it would have been? If only it happened the other way...Would it had made me happier on a long term?

I have no idea, someday I will make another start, another try. 

It is said if you want it bad enough the Universe makes it happen. Well, it didn't work... And it's been almost 5 years I wanted this to happen...

So I hit a cold ground , I cried ,I asked questions, but didn't receive answers...There is again the feeling of being stuck in a place I don't like without means to change a thing, because life it's been shitty enough...

And then I'm mad again on you because you left so sudden and made a chaos of my dreams and plans...

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

My Writings : Rainy Wednesday(14)

It's Wednesday, cold and raining. It's been a hard week already and all I want to do is sleep.
But there are more complicated things that need to be solved, so all I can hope for is a cup of latte and spend some time looking through the window while people are passing.
I'm not a morning person, so this kind of rainy weather doesn't help me at all. I've seen a very sad movie last night, somehow relived through it painful moments from the past and cried a lot.
It is said that crying helps you let go, I wonder how much crying do I need to let go everything that I've lived in the last years?
Most of the time I wished things were easier, I wished I didn't have to prove every little thing. But as much as I want to  I can't change the past, I just can try to heal the pain.
It should be spring and sunny, but these days is rainy and cold,more of an unwanted autumn. It remember it was like the same the day I lost you...
I really don't know why shitty things happen to good people. I don't know if it's a test they have to pass, but I got bored of tests.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Bastarda Istanbulului- Elif Shafak

Bastarda Istanbulului este una din cele mai interesante povesti pe care le-am citit in ultima perioada.
Prezinta povestea plina de secrete a unei familii turce, conflictul turc-armean, fara a uita de importanta familiei, istoriei si iubirii.
Personajele feminine sunt puternice, traditionalul vietuieste alaturi de modern, iar descrierea Istanbulului mi-a reamintit de dorinta de a vizita acest oras.
Zeliha este cea care deschide povestea , o tanara de 19 ani, nonconformista , plina de furie, care se indreapta spre cabinetul unui doctor pentru un avort. Doar ca in final acesta nu se realizeaza, iar Zeliha va trebui sa se obisnuiasca cu ideea ca va avea un copil.
Mult spre finalul povestii vom afla ca Zeliha a fost violata de fratele ei , Mustafa, fapt ce a condus la plecarea lui in America si refuzul de a se mai intoarce la familia lui pentru 20 de ani.
Avem mai multe povesti care au cate un element comun: povestea lui Armanoush si dorinta ei de a lamuri trecutul familiei ei armene, povestea Asyei , fiica Zelihei care se simte o bastarda pentru ca nu-si cunoaste tatal.
Armanoush este cea care ii aduce pe toti in acelasi plan cand hotaraste sa plece in Istanbul la familia lui Mustafa(tatal ei vitreg) fara stirea parintilor. Armanoush vrea sa vada casa in care bunica ei a locuit, incearca sa gaseasca explicatia pentru conflictul dintre turci si armeni.
Este fermecata de familia compunsa doar din femei a lui Mustafa: mama, bunica, cele 3 surori si Asya, de care se apropie treptat, fara sa banuiasca ca vor deveni bune prietene.
Asya este asemeni mamei ei o fire nonconformista, care iubeste un barbat insurat, isi petrece timpul la cafeneaua Kundera si asculta Johnny Cash. Dorinta ei este de a afla cine este tatal ei, dorinta care se indeplineste la final dupa moartea lui Mustafa.
Istoria se imbina cu prezentul, memoria cu uitarea, durerea cu bucuria, iar aromele si mancarurile din Istanbul nu lipsesc. Fiecare capitol are denumirea unui ingredient: scortisoara, boabe de naut, zahar, alune prajite, vanilie, fistic, grau, seminte de pin, coji de portocala, migdale, caise uscate, samburi de rodie, smochine uscate, apa, stafide aurii,apa de trandafiri, orez alb.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

My Writings: Back in time(13)

These days i feel almost the same way i felt 7 years ago when i was in front of a crossroad.
Back then I decided to change how my future was about to look,now i might need to do the same.
The difference is that now I feel more afraid I don't remember this back then. It might be a fear for success because i have in front of me the change i've been waiting for.
I know for sure there will be things and people I have to give up to. I don't know if I'm ready.
So it's kind of a mess with the desire to do what I love and the fear of new and uncertain. It may be normal and I wish it was easier.
Going back 7 years I think I was willing to give up everything and start over with what I liked. It wasn't easy either , but it was all worth it.
I just need to get back to this feeling of liking the job,being motivated and challenged.I may still need to find my place.
Maybe it's time to end a cycle and start all over.

Friday, March 04, 2016

My Writings: Less is more(12)

My Dear,

Forget all the consumerist society you live in had told you...It's a fake.
Forget you think you need the latest car/dress/shoes,etc to be happy, you might be for half an hour or day, but that's all...
You sure have heard the quote: Less is more!, this is true! Take it as an experiment: give up slowly to buying more stuff, eating more food or whatever that consumes your free time.
Yes, I know, it's going to be hard in the first days, it's the same as giving up to chocolate... A habit develops in 21 days, so have a little patience.
You'll be surprised to discover how less you really need to be happy and this has nothing to do with the things you used to buy.
Focus on the activities that make you feel alive: a great concert, travelling, sports,etc. 
Spend your time with your friends, they are the ones that had seen you at your worst and still like you. Show them you still care, you manage to include them in your busy life, go to movies,drink coffee, laugh, make memories.
Don't forget that people need to be cared for and loved. It is said that you can't save people, you can only love them. The "less is more" principle doesn't apply  here.
As strong or independent you think you are, at the end of a hard day you might still need a hug from someone you love. Show them this,embrace the vulnerability and trust more.
Cry if you need , be mad, but try again tomorrow and the next day until it works. 
Also don't be too hard on yourself , there is no perfection out there, focus on being better than yesterday.
So forget the commercials, all the useless products you "must have", those heels or that dress and think of what makes you happy. Is it the look on this face when he sees you, last weekend's run, a hug from a kid?

Sunday, February 21, 2016

My Writings: The story of a shirt(11)

I woke up this morning thinking that I will wear that shirt. What I didn't know was, that only by wearing it I will feel better.
It was a light blue cotton shirt , somehow man's style. I remember I always liked to wear shirts, the touch of the cotton or silk on my skin, a feeling of protection.
While wearing it I was smiling because I realized how little I needed to feel complete again. Suddenly all the things I've wanted and been running for were not important, like I had found that part of me I thought was lost.
Then ,through the day, I missed the way you touched my skin, being hugged, loved and taken care of. 
Like all this happened in a different life, memories of happy times.
I decided to go for a walk in the crowded city to shout my loud mind. People in a hurry, cold autumn day, a romantic city, the one I could fall in love of.
It wasn't just a city, it was the choice I had made years ago, the choice I wasn't going to regret, an active city, full of entertainment.
Not even the cold air of that morning could change my mind, I still liked the city , a crowded place where I'd found my peace. Today I needed ether to forget or to remember...You know, people forget easily.
I wished I could stop time, but it was impossible, so I decided to go swimming.
The water had given me a sense of security I've never found somewhere else. Water heals, never hurts. I wish you could come back and wait for me by the pool ,wished to see your lovely eyes following me until I got off the water  and back in your arms. I knew I had 2 strong arms going to protected me.
I felt your absence every day.
I went back home, the house was so different without you, I chose one of your shirts.
While I was sleeping I felt your arms around me and I knew I was happy again.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

La tete Haute(2015)

La Tete Haute(2015) este un film foarte bun, pe care l-am vazut in aceasta saptamana in cinema si care intra in top 3 filme franceze preferate.( alaturi de Les Intouchables si Ensemble c'est tout)
Nu aveam asteptari inainte sa vad acest film, il alesesem pentru ca era un film francez , o drama.
E fara indoiala cel mai bun film pe care l-am vazut in acest an, a fost prezentat in deschiderea festivalului Cannes in 2015.
Lasand la o parte toate defectele pe care francezii le au, in ceea ce priveste filmele, cel mai adesea realizeaza filme foarte bune inspirate din realitate.
Iar acesta nu face exceptie. Malony(Rod Paradot) este un tanar de 16 ani, care si-a petrecut copilaria fara a avea parte de dragostea materna, mai mult in grija consilierilor desemnati de judecatoare(Catherine Deneuve).
Malony este un copil dificil, agresiv, care nu merge la scoala, fura masini si se plimba fara a avea permis de conducere.
Malony va sta la inceput 6 luni intr-un centru de reeducare, intr-o zona de munte, unde alaturi de alti adolescenti ca el si ajutat de cadrele de acolo va incerca sa-si stapaneasca agresivitatea, sa-si inteleaga emotiile si sa-si ocupe timpul cu activitati utile.
Revenind in mediul din care a fost scos, Malony va incepe sa aiba aceleasi preocupari, iar faptul ca il ia pe fratele sau mai mic dintr-un centru de ingrijire si pleaca cu o masina furata, ii aduce pedeapsa de 6 luni intr-o inchisoare de minori.
Aici este ajutat de consilierul sau(Benoit Magimel) si se gandeste serios la sarcina prietenei sale Tess. 
Dupa perioada petrecuta in inchisoare ,Malony se va schimba, se mobilizeaza sa munceasca pentru a avea grija de Tess si copilul lor.
Este foarte interesanta transformarea lui Malony, de la o persoana inchisa si agresiva, la o persoana sociabila, datorita afectivitatii pe care Tess i-a aratat-o. Desigur la inceput se revolta chiar si asupra atentiei pe care o primeste, nu se considera demn de ea.
Este destul de dur sa privesti cum depravarea de dragoste si atentie, mai ales din mediul familial, pot avea asemenea efecte asupra formarii afective a unui copil.
Prin urmare uneori avem nevoie doar de putina atentie, dragoste si empatie pentru ca lucrurile sa se desfasoare normal.
Este un film dur, dar care aduce in atentie grija pe care sistemul din Franta o are pentru copii aflati in situatii dificile, indrumarea care le este oferita, grija pe care judecatorii, consilierii, avocatii si pedagogii o au pentru ei.

Friday, February 12, 2016

My Writings: About Plans(10)

My idea for this post came from here. Actually I always wandered why I find so difficult to answer the question: How you see yourself in 5 /10 years from now?
I don't make plans for such a long period of time, I have only in short lines ideas about the next 3 or 6 months. 
Statistics and life had shown me that it's quite risky to predict something considering a long period of time.
I had also seen my plans turned to dust because life happens and you can't control it. That's why I really don't have the answer the others expect me to.
So I don't have a fix plan to see x countries, get married, have babies,etc. I do believe "baby steps" work better for me, as I am not a very patient person and I'm also trying to achieve a fragile balance.
I also don't have a time target for all the things I wish to do, mostly because I don't like the "MUST". I don't think I must to this , try that, choose that life. It also doesn't make me feel free to choose.
So, no more "must" for me!
In fact I have no idea about the next 5 or 10 years, I hardly know about next week...And it's pretty fine for me this way, I have the freedom to adapt to whatever might come in my way.
While trying to stick to those "baby steps" I just want to be healthy and happy, and these are the only "plans" I take seriously!

Monday, February 01, 2016

Dirty Grandpa: A must see!

Asteptam aceasta comedie de ceva vreme asa ca in weekend am vazut-o in cinema.

Aveam mai multe motive sa aleg Dirty Grandpa: imi doream o comedie la care sa razi din plin( si este!), prezenta lui Robert de Niro( mi-a placut si in The Intern) si desigur my crush Zac Efron,care chiar are rol de "papusel" in acest film.
Sunt atatea farse, situatii comice si replici inspirate incat nu ai timp sa te plictisesti.
Un bunic plin de viata , un nepot aproape insurat , o calatorie, petreceri, droguri, iar in final redescoperirea unor vechi pasiuni.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

My writings:Missing you (9)

Almost 2 years ago I lost the person I love most and who loved me most. After this each new morning was about surviving the pain.
Now I remember many events I wish never happened. I also remember it was a cold rainy day on which I had to say goodbye , I was frozen and didn't want to. I was never good at good-byes, so how could I do this for the one I loved most?
Then for a long time I felt a disturbing emptiness, like a part of me was taken away and could never come back.
I was unable to sleep enough, to eat, to feel joy or sadness, I blocked everything because I didn't know how to manage your absence.
But when the pain took place there was no chance to ignore it. It was the pain of not seeing you anymore, talking to you, hug you, I was left in darkness still loving you.
I began to feel useless and the hard part were those memories that reminded me of you. Each memory hurt me because it reminded me I could never see you again. 
There are still days when simple gestures or words remind me of you and pain hits again. Probably more time needs to pass until I'm healed, but I know I will never be the same .
There was also much anger in the first months without you because I felt abandoned, I was left without roots. It was even worse when I began to feel ill, I felt completely alone.
I also think that your painful journey had made me a better and more understanding person and I just hope I'd been a little help.
I still miss you and your love every day.