Monday, July 25, 2016

Your story

I don't remember telling this story before.
Dave Gahan was singing " I'm just afraid of losing you" the same day I found out you were brought to hospital in brain death.
You had gone to work like any other day and never returned.... I was hoping you'd make it and then laugh about it.
Everything begin with the decision of some idiots that consumed you every day...
The moment I saw you in an emergency room vulnerable, with a body wanting to continue living and I dead brain was overwhelming.
In those moments I just wished you didn't suffer or suffer less.
I called to the hospital on a Tuesday morning, but you were gone. It didn't felt real, I was angry and shocked.
I couldn't stay near you, look at you or even say good bye. I was blocked.
weeks later I was still waiting for you to return, but never did.
It took me almost 6 months to go to your grave...
with your departure I learnt how to stand in front of death, so months later I could be near mom and not be afraid.
I still can't help my teas while writing and it's said that when you can tell your story without crying you're healed.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

My Writings: Tired (20)

All I want and need these days is to get lost somewhere far away... Actually I am so tired of this busy life with its imperfections. I want to sleep for days .

I would take you far away and tell you all the things I wasn't able to say before. And when all it's done I would feel free and healed.

Maybe then you'll understand why it was so hard before and the price that I had to pay. There are days when it still gets messy ,when the mind wants something and the soul the opposite. And is scary not to have certainty,it feels like having to solve an equation with many unknowns.

I know now that I need to feel everything ,even the negative feelings, completely, until there is nothing left to feel. 
I only hope that you can understand and have patience, cause it feels better in your arms.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

My Writings:Broken(19)

This world had broken me into pieces once again.
Rejection hurts, dreams that never came true,lack of trust and much more.
I thought I was strong enough after all I'd been through... But look at me, once again with tears in my eyes and a hole in my stomach.
I'm angry, mad and sad and I need lots of space and time to process all that happened.
I'm tired of talking and trying to convince this world that I am right.
I'm also too disappointed to believe in good and getting the worst.I know my worth and didn't picture things this way.
Tonight I don't want to talk, scream or fight. I only need to forget everything for a while and feel your arms around me. 
Cause when things turn worse and I'm broken into pieces I need to count on you. And if I start crying , just hold me closer.
Later I will take up the pieces and start rebuilding...