Tuesday, October 04, 2016

My writing: Who am I, darling to you?(22)

I dreamed of rain , books and sweets. I also dreamed of you, the one I wish to be by my side each time I need.

The one that does understand all my silence, who looks into my eyes and sees my sadness or laughs with me on stupid jokes.

I want to stay outside on a cold night and look at the stars with you . Probably you don't understand but this calms me, reminds me of the ones I'd lost.

And when life had taken me the loved ones, I began to understand that time is short and limited and I can't spend it waiting.

There is always a familiar feeling when I'm near you. 

Who am I, darling to you?

I don't have an answer,but I miss you when you're not around. 

Sometimes I think you are a gift I received in this world, because only someone like you could have trusted  a broken soul.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

My writing: September story(21)

It was  a rainy September day. It had  been 5 year since I hadn't seen him or even thought about him.
And suddenly , out of nowhere, his image came to my mind so clear, all the details, small talks, like it happened yesterday.
Somehow I felt the urge to compare what was then to what is now and it seems to be 2 different lives. One mine and the other of a stranger.
It's like I was less who I used to be and more someone else and the past felt so far away.
I don't know if this had something to do with getting older, setting other priorities, dreaming other dreams. 
I don't even know which way was best,there are some regrets,painful moments, lessons I'd learnt, friends i'd made,people i'd loved.
Knowing how it is to lose someone you love, I am now grateful and I value all the people that love me, they are priceless.
I think it's normal to dream other dreams, nothing stays in the same shape and he was part of the past. A past that I'd loved and miss sometimes.
His memory hit me unexpectedly and it was so powerful and alive. There was a disturbing "what if" in my mind, challenging my thoughts.
"What if" things were different, I had been in another place, doing something different,could this had made me happier?
And I had no answer, I could only imagine a possible scenario...
It just felt strange that I thought of him when I tried to rebuild the present.... Maybe it was because of the rain.

Thursday, September 08, 2016

Azi ar fi fost ziua ta....

8 septembrie...Azi ar fi fost ziua ta, ai fi implinit 53 de ani...

Doar ca numaratoarea s-a oprit cu cateva luni inainte sa implinesti 51 de ani.

Azi nimic nu a mers, nu mi-am gasit locul, iar gandurile mele s-au indreptat numai catre tine. Ziua de azi a fost apasatoare, asa cum nu a mai fost de multa vreme, poate si pentru ca dupa toate cele intamplate in ultimele zile ti-am simtit si mai mult lipsa.

Azi nu am avut chef de glume sau alte banalitati, pentru ca lipsa ta mi-a reamintit de tot ce am pierdut si nu se mai intoarce. Sunt inca momente in care am flash-uri care dor, iar azi totul a fost atat de intens.

Te-am visat aseara, luam masa impreuna , erai fericita si radeam. Imi povesteai de copilul altcuiva si iti spuneam ironic : 'Cred ca am imbatranit', iar tu mi-ai spus : "Nu a zis nimeni ca nu vei imbatrani."

Cat adevar....

Si totusi asta nu ma face sa-mi fie mai putin dor, sa-mi lipseasca mai putin grija sau iubirea ta. Oare stii cat de greu imi este sa nu te vad?
Recent am visat ca ti-am pus aceeasi intrebare si mi-ai raspuns: " Si mie imi este dor de tine".

Cel mai adeasea ma simt norocoasa cand te pot revedea in vise, nu am mai mult....

Inca simt ultima imbratisare, imi amintesc cuvintele si dorintele ....

Imi este greu sa stiu ca nu-mi vei cunoaste copii, ca ei nu vor vedea cat de grozava esti, dar atata timp cat eu imi amintesc, tu existi!

Monday, July 25, 2016

Your story

I don't remember telling this story before.
Dave Gahan was singing " I'm just afraid of losing you" the same day I found out you were brought to hospital in brain death.
You had gone to work like any other day and never returned.... I was hoping you'd make it and then laugh about it.
Everything begin with the decision of some idiots that consumed you every day...
The moment I saw you in an emergency room vulnerable, with a body wanting to continue living and I dead brain was overwhelming.
In those moments I just wished you didn't suffer or suffer less.
I called to the hospital on a Tuesday morning, but you were gone. It didn't felt real, I was angry and shocked.
I couldn't stay near you, look at you or even say good bye. I was blocked.
weeks later I was still waiting for you to return, but never did.
It took me almost 6 months to go to your grave...
with your departure I learnt how to stand in front of death, so months later I could be near mom and not be afraid.
I still can't help my teas while writing and it's said that when you can tell your story without crying you're healed.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

My Writings: Tired (20)

All I want and need these days is to get lost somewhere far away... Actually I am so tired of this busy life with its imperfections. I want to sleep for days .

I would take you far away and tell you all the things I wasn't able to say before. And when all it's done I would feel free and healed.

Maybe then you'll understand why it was so hard before and the price that I had to pay. There are days when it still gets messy ,when the mind wants something and the soul the opposite. And is scary not to have certainty,it feels like having to solve an equation with many unknowns.

I know now that I need to feel everything ,even the negative feelings, completely, until there is nothing left to feel. 
I only hope that you can understand and have patience, cause it feels better in your arms.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

My Writings:Broken(19)

This world had broken me into pieces once again.
Rejection hurts, dreams that never came true,lack of trust and much more.
I thought I was strong enough after all I'd been through... But look at me, once again with tears in my eyes and a hole in my stomach.
I'm angry, mad and sad and I need lots of space and time to process all that happened.
I'm tired of talking and trying to convince this world that I am right.
I'm also too disappointed to believe in good and getting the worst.I know my worth and didn't picture things this way.
Tonight I don't want to talk, scream or fight. I only need to forget everything for a while and feel your arms around me. 
Cause when things turn worse and I'm broken into pieces I need to count on you. And if I start crying , just hold me closer.
Later I will take up the pieces and start rebuilding...

Saturday, June 25, 2016

My Writings: Hide (18)

I'm listening to this song over and over again and I can't help thinking...

I've played some kind of hiding game, waiting for you to make some steps. I might have done them myself , but I was unsure how things would turn out. You know I have trust issues...

Or maybe I just wanted you to be sure, so I'd be sure. The thing is I may seem intimidating and demanding sometimes, but I guess you've passed this stage long ago...

The truth is I've never tried to be different in front of you,maybe because you made me feel so comfortable. You learned to give me space when I got angry, sad or overwhelmed.

Sometimes I know you tried your best and  we  still had opposite ideas, but that's ok. I also know that you would understand my point if you stay and think a little about it. So I give you time...

You've also seen me at my worst , but didn't leave when others did. You will always have my support for this.

I also miss you when you're not around, I miss my friend...

Even when you make me angry for some stupid reason, I can't stop letting go , because I need my friend.

I know you also see the best in me, that I'm maybe not able to  see sometimes and I also know you've chosen me because of that. I need this support so I can improve, because there's a long way to go. I can fly, but I want his wings...

Tuesday, May 03, 2016

My Writings: I've lost enough(17)

I've lost enough so I know what matters and what is a waste of time. It's not a lack of ambition, but a smart choice.
I've lost enough so I can decide to leave when I can't grow or I feel unwanted. There's no help for anyone to continue lying that things are going to improve.
I've lost enough so I know what solitude means and it scares me no more.
I've lost enough time trying to believe all people are good and didn't want to see the fake. Surprising they get mad when you treat them the same way they did with you.
I've lost enough so I am the only one deciding my story. I don't like advice.
I've lost enough so I know how it feels to have no roots. This is still scary...
I've lost enough so I know how lies hurt. It doesn't matter if it's been long time ago, trust is damaged.
I've lost enough so I had to start everything again. I still don't know where this path goes...
I've lost enough so now I know I can only trust myself. 
I've lost enough so I know how it feels not to be able to hug, see or hear the loved ones. This is the hardest part.
I've lost enough so I know that missing you hurts the most.Every single day...

Sunday, April 17, 2016

2 ani

17 martie 2016

2 ani de dor.

A fost o saptamana grea, am alergat in dreapta si-n stranga , am vrut sa uit tot ce s-a intamplat in ultima vreme.
As vrea sa nu fiu atatea piese imprastiate, pe care sa trebuiasca sa le adun, as vrea sa am o imagine clara.
Intre timp am reusit sa amestec lucruri, sa iau decizii, pe care nu le regret, dar care nu au dus unde speram.
Uneori mi-as dori sa uit tot ceea ce m-a ranit.
Apoi am impresia ca doar am supravietuit in tot acest timp, pasii au fost prea mici, vad lucrurile care inca nu merg si prea putin pe cele de care sunt multumita.
Inca nu stiu daca am trecut acest test, sau ce trebuia sa insemne, stiu doar ca totul este dinamic, ups  & downs in fiecare zi.
Poate ca nimic nu ma putea schimba mai mult decat plecarea ta, nimic nu ar fi reusit sa-mi arunce dintr-o data atatea temeri in fata.
Nu e deloc usor sa lupti cu amintiri care dor, sa lasi in urma ceea ce-ti era cunoscut si sa incerci sa te adaptezi din mers.
Cumva simt ca am inceput o "noua viata" dupa plecarea ta. Da, e diferita de tot ce-mi imaginasem inainte, inca nu stiu daca e ceea ce imi doresc asa ca iau fiecare zi cum vine si incerc sa fiu mai aproape.
Sunt multe "planuri" care au ramas intr-un colt in asteptare, poate va veni si randul lor sau poate vor fi inlocuite de altele.
Uneori simt ca ai plecat ieri si astept sa te intorci...
Imi e dor si inca doare.

Monday, April 04, 2016

My Writings :Sa nu imi ceri prea mult(16)

Ascult de ceva vreme melodia asta si cumva vibrez la fiecare vers.....Sa nu imi ceri prea mult....

Oare de ce cautam mereu mai mult decat avem poate nevoie? De ce credem ca iarba e mai verde in alta parte?

Pentru ce alergam cu ochii inchisi, cu simturile amortite, pana ce picioarele ne dor? 

Dar nu ne oprim,nu, pentru ca e musai sa fim puternici... 

De ce trebuie sa fim cumva si sa intram in niste tipare prestabilite?  Eu nu cred ca trebuie , nu sunt aici sa bifez pe o lista pe care au mai bifat si altii inaintea mea.

Stiu, uneori chiar eu cer prea mult, de la mine,de la cei din jur, dar continui sa fac eforturi pentru a gasi un echilibru. 

Poate ca am cautat prea mult timp o imagine ideala a ceea ce trebuia sa fie, doar ca lucrurile s-au asezat diferit cel mai adesea si de aici au venit si dezamagirile...

E o mare greseala sa cautam si sa asteptam "perfectiunea" pentru ca trecem peste clipele care conteaza,dar nu le recunoastem pentru ca nu sunt stralucitoare.

M-am hotarat, nu vreau perfectiunea, nu imi impun ceea ce nu-mi doresc doar de dragul unor tipare.

Sa nu imi ceri prea mult...

E posibil sa aflii ca pot fi vulnerabila, acum vesela si increzetoare si mai apoi trista, cu doruri greu de suportat... 
Doar ca acum nu mai fug de nimic, simturile nu mai sunt amortite, ochii sunt deschisi si afara e iar primavara.

Promit la randul meu sa nu cer prea mult.

Sunday, April 03, 2016

My Writings: Hitting the ground(15)

So many things had happened recently that left me with a bitter taste.

I hit the ground again, but harder I could imagine when I began my search. And it hurts like hell , all my hopes gone for the moment, an empty space that doesn't want to disappear.

I was so angry that denial was the only way to handle this situation, denying to do what I thought I was best at. Somehow I'm still mad I can't do what I want now, that I have to wait some more unknown time... 

And this is not because I decided this, it's because others decided for me and I really hate the situation 

Back to my search, I know for sure what I want now, what I can do.I hit the ground hard , so what? It's not the first time, I will raise and continue until I succeed. I know I don't want to give up because things were wrong, this has nothing to do with my abilities.

I may be in the " no care" mood for a while until waters cool down and I won't feel the bitter taste so intense.

And the mornings are hard, because you have to motivate somehow to continue, knowing it's not exactly what you want... 

I wonder how it would have been? If only it happened the other way...Would it had made me happier on a long term?

I have no idea, someday I will make another start, another try. 

It is said if you want it bad enough the Universe makes it happen. Well, it didn't work... And it's been almost 5 years I wanted this to happen...

So I hit a cold ground , I cried ,I asked questions, but didn't receive answers...There is again the feeling of being stuck in a place I don't like without means to change a thing, because life it's been shitty enough...

And then I'm mad again on you because you left so sudden and made a chaos of my dreams and plans...

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

My Writings : Rainy Wednesday(14)

It's Wednesday, cold and raining. It's been a hard week already and all I want to do is sleep.
But there are more complicated things that need to be solved, so all I can hope for is a cup of latte and spend some time looking through the window while people are passing.
I'm not a morning person, so this kind of rainy weather doesn't help me at all. I've seen a very sad movie last night, somehow relived through it painful moments from the past and cried a lot.
It is said that crying helps you let go, I wonder how much crying do I need to let go everything that I've lived in the last years?
Most of the time I wished things were easier, I wished I didn't have to prove every little thing. But as much as I want to  I can't change the past, I just can try to heal the pain.
It should be spring and sunny, but these days is rainy and cold,more of an unwanted autumn. It remember it was like the same the day I lost you...
I really don't know why shitty things happen to good people. I don't know if it's a test they have to pass, but I got bored of tests.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Bastarda Istanbulului- Elif Shafak

Bastarda Istanbulului este una din cele mai interesante povesti pe care le-am citit in ultima perioada.
Prezinta povestea plina de secrete a unei familii turce, conflictul turc-armean, fara a uita de importanta familiei, istoriei si iubirii.
Personajele feminine sunt puternice, traditionalul vietuieste alaturi de modern, iar descrierea Istanbulului mi-a reamintit de dorinta de a vizita acest oras.
Zeliha este cea care deschide povestea , o tanara de 19 ani, nonconformista , plina de furie, care se indreapta spre cabinetul unui doctor pentru un avort. Doar ca in final acesta nu se realizeaza, iar Zeliha va trebui sa se obisnuiasca cu ideea ca va avea un copil.
Mult spre finalul povestii vom afla ca Zeliha a fost violata de fratele ei , Mustafa, fapt ce a condus la plecarea lui in America si refuzul de a se mai intoarce la familia lui pentru 20 de ani.
Avem mai multe povesti care au cate un element comun: povestea lui Armanoush si dorinta ei de a lamuri trecutul familiei ei armene, povestea Asyei , fiica Zelihei care se simte o bastarda pentru ca nu-si cunoaste tatal.
Armanoush este cea care ii aduce pe toti in acelasi plan cand hotaraste sa plece in Istanbul la familia lui Mustafa(tatal ei vitreg) fara stirea parintilor. Armanoush vrea sa vada casa in care bunica ei a locuit, incearca sa gaseasca explicatia pentru conflictul dintre turci si armeni.
Este fermecata de familia compunsa doar din femei a lui Mustafa: mama, bunica, cele 3 surori si Asya, de care se apropie treptat, fara sa banuiasca ca vor deveni bune prietene.
Asya este asemeni mamei ei o fire nonconformista, care iubeste un barbat insurat, isi petrece timpul la cafeneaua Kundera si asculta Johnny Cash. Dorinta ei este de a afla cine este tatal ei, dorinta care se indeplineste la final dupa moartea lui Mustafa.
Istoria se imbina cu prezentul, memoria cu uitarea, durerea cu bucuria, iar aromele si mancarurile din Istanbul nu lipsesc. Fiecare capitol are denumirea unui ingredient: scortisoara, boabe de naut, zahar, alune prajite, vanilie, fistic, grau, seminte de pin, coji de portocala, migdale, caise uscate, samburi de rodie, smochine uscate, apa, stafide aurii,apa de trandafiri, orez alb.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

My Writings: Back in time(13)

These days i feel almost the same way i felt 7 years ago when i was in front of a crossroad.
Back then I decided to change how my future was about to look,now i might need to do the same.
The difference is that now I feel more afraid I don't remember this back then. It might be a fear for success because i have in front of me the change i've been waiting for.
I know for sure there will be things and people I have to give up to. I don't know if I'm ready.
So it's kind of a mess with the desire to do what I love and the fear of new and uncertain. It may be normal and I wish it was easier.
Going back 7 years I think I was willing to give up everything and start over with what I liked. It wasn't easy either , but it was all worth it.
I just need to get back to this feeling of liking the job,being motivated and challenged.I may still need to find my place.
Maybe it's time to end a cycle and start all over.

Friday, March 04, 2016

My Writings: Less is more(12)

My Dear,

Forget all the consumerist society you live in had told you...It's a fake.
Forget you think you need the latest car/dress/shoes,etc to be happy, you might be for half an hour or day, but that's all...
You sure have heard the quote: Less is more!, this is true! Take it as an experiment: give up slowly to buying more stuff, eating more food or whatever that consumes your free time.
Yes, I know, it's going to be hard in the first days, it's the same as giving up to chocolate... A habit develops in 21 days, so have a little patience.
You'll be surprised to discover how less you really need to be happy and this has nothing to do with the things you used to buy.
Focus on the activities that make you feel alive: a great concert, travelling, sports,etc. 
Spend your time with your friends, they are the ones that had seen you at your worst and still like you. Show them you still care, you manage to include them in your busy life, go to movies,drink coffee, laugh, make memories.
Don't forget that people need to be cared for and loved. It is said that you can't save people, you can only love them. The "less is more" principle doesn't apply  here.
As strong or independent you think you are, at the end of a hard day you might still need a hug from someone you love. Show them this,embrace the vulnerability and trust more.
Cry if you need , be mad, but try again tomorrow and the next day until it works. 
Also don't be too hard on yourself , there is no perfection out there, focus on being better than yesterday.
So forget the commercials, all the useless products you "must have", those heels or that dress and think of what makes you happy. Is it the look on this face when he sees you, last weekend's run, a hug from a kid?