Friday, January 26, 2018


I woke up crying. 3 A.M. that's the usual time I use to weak up and spend hours before falling asleep again.
I got used to it, I don't like it. I woke up crying that night because I was dreaming about you, same repetitive dream: saw you dying and not being able to do a thing to stop this.
It hunts me. 
I relive every time the pain of having to lose you and I'm never ready for it. How can I?
Each time I try to fight against losing you, but I'm the only one fighting and I'm powerless.
Sometimes I wish I could forget everything, so it stops hurting. 
But I can't forget and the pain doesn't go away, it's there hidden, always finding a way to get out.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Bye 2017, Hello 2018!

It's here again that time of the year when you think of all that happened during the year which is about to go and looking forward for new beginnings in the new year.
I thought 2016 was a year with many ups and downs, but 2017 had greater. 
I worked a lot during this year, new activities, many challenges and I think I'm getting closer what I want to do. There had been many crazy working weeks, after which I only wanted to sleep, but at least I enjoyed my work.
With so much work and less resting my health wasn't as good as I hoped, probably this is the are where I wished this year to had been better.
Because of my autoimmune thyroid my energy was very low during all the year, I constantly tried to find ways to raise it so I can exercise more. 
In November I decided to try Pilates and I discovered I like this type of exercise, the only one that my low energy let me practice. Of course I still miss the gym and running, but at this point that involves too much energy, that I don't have.
Hopefully the next year is going to let me do more to improve my health status, nutrition and exercise.
One other hard part of 2017 was trying to lose weight with nutrition in the context of my thyroid problems. Well, it's been hard like hell, with very little progress, much stress, frustration,changes of diets.
What was really great about 2017 were the concerts I'd been to, a year full of bands I love.
The first one was Kings of Leon in June in Bucharest, a lovely night with my friends and their music.
End of July meant a 3 day trip to Cluj for Depeche Mode concert,a pleasure for my soul.
Discovering Cluj was interesting, I really liked the city, clean, beautiful people.
I sang and danced during all their concert, listening Cover me while raining, such a beautiful memory.
I've been to 2 Byron concerts: one at Filarmonica Pitesti and the other one on my bday at Hard Rock Cafe Bucharest. I can't describe how happy I was to hear them singing on my 30 bday being with my friends.
I finally got to see The Mono Jacks live and it was a very nice night. 
Travelling was less than I expected this year,I only visited Sibiu(again) and Cluj. I was supposed to visit Poland: Krakow and Warsow in September, but the medical problems that appeared 2 days before the time of leaving made impossible for me to travel.
It's been very hard to stay home in bed during the time I might have been in holiday...
Of course I can't wait to travel again and get to see as many new places with my friends.
I wish 2018 to be better about my travelling plans!
2017 was a hard year, very changeable and unpredictable and this was the idea of many people I'd talked to recently.
I see many ways to improve for the further year, I wish: balance, health and love!

Happy New year!

Thursday, December 28, 2017

The Greatest Showman: a must see!

I had seen many great movies this year and I can say without any doubt that The Greatest showman is one of the best I've seen.
It's an almost 2,5 hours movie and I didn't know where the time had passed since it began. 
I love musicals because this type can mix music, story and visuals in a very beautiful way. It reminds me every time of the tales I'd been read to when I was a kid.
After La la Land of last year, that took so many awards, now The greatest showman was a delight and it already received 3 nominations for Golden Globes.
The movie is inspired by P.T. Barnum's story, the one who started Barnum and Bailey Circus.
The story is very beautiful and goes from moments of great accomplishments to losing almost everything.
It all started with a poor child who lost his family and wanted to become someone so he could marry Charity, a beautiful rich blonde girl.
His wish becomes real, he marries Charity, has 2 lovely girls and then has the idea to bring together many unique type of persons. 
The success seems easy to obtain and only a great failure opens his eyes about the most important things in life: family, love, friends, passion for his work.
The film stars: Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron, Michelle Williams, Rebecca Ferguson, Zendaya.
They are all amazing and perfect, it's was a pleasure to see them play, dance and sing.
I can't wait to see it again :)

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

1 year with Graves Disease

1 year ago I began this journey and I still don't have a clue of what I'm doing on this road.
I won't lie and tell it was easy, because most of the time it felt like walking through hell. It was hard and it isn't over yet.
Graves disease is an autoimmune thyroid disease where the antibodies attack the thyroid and makes it to produce more hormones than necessary. 
It isn't clear what is the cause of Graves Disease and the treatment is still a try for each patient.
Over this time I read everything I could on this subject and I still feel I don't understand completely its mechanism. 
I had been on anti thyroid meds for 1 year now, different doses, still with a low TSH, but normal FT3 and FT4. As I understand TSH remains suppressed for a longer time and FT4 is a better guide. 
I've done an Eco yesterday and I seem to also have a goiter with very little nodules, don't understand yet if there's a connection between it and Graves, or it had been there long before. This scared me a little, because I'm not into an aggressive approach considering the treatment.
I would rather keep taking meds for a longer period than having to think about RAI or taking out the thyroid.
It is true that the meds affect the metabolism ,slowing it , so you gain weight and it's so hard to lose it again.
Along with the weigh gain comes the nervousness, feeling tired all the time, sleeping problems and many others not so fun symptoms.
The every 2 months tests and medical appointments still stress me. 
I want to have a remission and exit this dark pit I have been put into.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Almost 30

It's been more than 2 weeks since I'm feeling the pressure of turning 30. It's pretty scary for me this year, I even dreamt I arrived late for my birthday and the moment was gone.
Then another night I dreamt I was making a teal cake with my mum for my birthday and that made me happy.
For some reasons this year I don't feel the need to make a balance or to imagine myself 5 years from now. None of these. 
I just want to focus on the present as much as possible and to continue this habit.
I feel that everything is just where it should be and I am grateful for each experience, no matter what it brought me.
I know it's a privilege to add another year, but turning 30 made me kind of blue, some kind of a mid-life crisis.
Then once again I realized I'm too hard on myself and perfectionist. So, I thought what my young full of hopes 18th self would think of me ? 
I think that she would be proud of my journey , of me doing a job that I enjoy, of the places I'd seen. She would love the concerts I'd been to and the music I listen to every day.
She would probably can't believe I began going to gym, running for some time and still enjoying this activity.
She would like to read all the books I'd read and Murakami probably would be on her list of authers, near Dostoievski.
She wouldn't like that Dave's not that good looking any more and 40's are not that old...:)
She wouldn't believe she could lose her family so suddenly, mostly losing the person she loved the most. She would feel the loneliness scary and surely couldn't imagine how it really felt to go through such moments.
She would probably still dream of that no strings attached love, feeling that marriage is so far away and getting a tattoo is exciting.
I think my young 18th self would like what she had become, cause it's been quite a journey.
P.S.: I wish you were still here with me...


Saturday, September 02, 2017

My writing: I would rebel(30)

You know there are 5 stages of grief, it begins with denial and should end with acceptance. It is said that acceptance is the hardest part and sometimes people don't achieve it.
Last days had been an incredible mess and let out lots of feelings, pain and helplessness. So I've been through denial , than it was time for anger.
Now I would rebel against a body that is too tired and exhausted to listen to me and my desire to travel as  it was planned.
I would rebel against the headaches and dizziness and lack of energy that didn't leave me raise from bed this week. 
I would rebel against all of these because it makes me unhappy and forces me to stop my travelling plans I've so waited for all the summer.
I wish there was an instant fix to all these medical problems, without having to wait for weeks for an improvement.
I would rebel against having autoimmune Graves and all the changes I've experienced since last November. 
I would scream or break something if that would help, but I'm sure it won't make a difference.
I would rebel against so many things that are unfair in this crazy world if only it would help!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

3 ani

17 martie 2017

3 dor

Ai crede ca deja stiu cum este dupa 3 ani? Ca nimic nu ma mai poate surprinde, ca m-am obisnuit deja....

Ti-as raspunde ca nu stii cum este pana nu ti s-a intamplat si tie, caci acesta este adevarul, chiar daca poate parea dur.

Nu te obisnuiesti,doar inveti sa supravietuiesti cu toate ranile pe care le ai, care te dor, cu greutatea amintirilor, cu regretele.
Sunt 3 ani de cand nu te-am vazut, auzit, imbratisat. Uneori te revad in vise si-mi vorbesti. 
Alteori cate o amintire razleata mai deschide o rana si-mi doresc sa fii inca aici .
Nimic nu poate inlocui un om pe care l-ai pierdut. 
Cineva imi spunea ca vrea sa-si invete copii sa traiasca fericiti dupa ce nu va mai fi langa ei. As fi ras, dar n-ar fi inteles.... Cum sa-i inveti asta? 
Fiecare legatura este unica, nu o inlocuiesti cu altceva cand cineva moare.
Eu in schimb mi-as invata copii sa iubeasca, sa fie intelegatori, sa aleaga ceea ce-si doresc.

Mi-e dor de tine in fiecare zi si e normal. Inca n-am gasit drumul, merg pe carari intortocheate, ma impiedic, ma ridic si sper ca sunt mai aproape.
Luni au fost 3 ani fara tine, a fost frig si a plouat ca in ziua in care ai plecat. Singura diferenta era ca acum nu mai eram amortita, ci am simtit durerea din plin. 
Mi-am dat seama inca o data ca suntem singuri....

Thursday, February 23, 2017

My writing: Scars(29)

We all have scars, have been hurt and hurt other people.
I know my scars so well, because I've always tried to hide them. And I built walls for that, walls that you need patience and courage to climb. I still have those...
I have been hurt a lot during many years and that left me with some painful scars. For this reason I trust people hard and keep them at a certain distance, so that they can't hurt me again.
But somehow you came closer and I let you and trusted you. 
I was so disappointed when my expectations didn't meet reality, but after many hours of thinking, I know you did the best you could.
Maybe your best was not the result I wanted and there is nobody to blame for that. We are all different, want different things, have expectations, make mistakes and we move on.
There are moments when I miss you,when I would climb all the walls you built and hug you, just to know you are ok.
I have seen you hurt badly twice and I felt your pain. I wish I had never hurt you, or that you didn't  hurt me so many times, but I can't change the facts.
All I know is that I can no more stay where it hurts.... 

Thursday, February 09, 2017

My writing :Mi-e dor (28)

Cand sunt trista mi-e dor de oameni,de locuri,de tot ce era frumos.

Azi mi-e dor de strazile din Bucuresti pe care obisnuiam sa ma plimb . Mi-e dor de Cismigiu si de Romana, mi-e asa dor de orasul pe care l-am simtit "acasa "de prima data.

Mi-e dor de perioada aia in care totul parea mai usor, in care desi aveam intrebari stiam ca totul se va rezolva.

Mi-e dor de o zi de primavara, de o mica descoperire care sa-mi placa, de o cafea pe care sa o beau cu o prietena.

Mi-e dor si de-o dimineata de vara in care miroase a iarba proaspata si soarele incalzeste, iar eu ascult Raphael in casti...

Mi-e dor sa alerg sa ajung la un curs de chineza , sa incep dimineata cu un film la Patria, Scala sau Studio.

Mi-e dor de libertatea de atunci, mi-e dor sa pot sa o sun pe mama si sa vorbim ore intregi.

Mi-e dor sa ma duc la cursul preferat si sa-mi zic ca intr-o zi voi face si eu asta.

Mi-e dor de toate astea si multe altele si-mi par atat de departe, incat parca le-am trait in alta viata...

Poate mi-e dor de mine.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

My writing:Kids (27)

I'm looking again for simple answers to difficult questions...
What if all your dreams come true? What if?
I've tried to figure it out where should I go. There's a part of me that wants to remain to continue and the other that wants to go for a change.
At this moment there is a battle between these two parts. An answer here would be good.
I've always been a perfectionist, a part of me still is... But what if I've done all I could and the result is less than I expected?
It happened this Friday to be feel so exhausted and sad because I hoped and worked for a different result. Somehow a kind gesture from a shy kid changed all I thought I already knew....
Sometimes an embrace is all you need after some hard days, someone to tell you it's worth it. 
I spent some time thinking how to make things better, all I know is that I have to continue being there, showing those kids someone cares for them and hopefully they will begin to believe in themselves too.
It's hard to get closer to kids who had suffered before, who came from families with problems, who can't even name their emotions. 
The first step to solve something that bothers you is to name it... For some of them what they used to live is normality.
What I found out is that they crave affection and attention and maybe that's the starting point with them...
Being a perfectionist means I will try many times before calling it a quit. 
Hopefully in time little wonders will happen and the time we spend together will make them better.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Lion (2016) such a delight

I saw the movie today, without having any expectation,but knowing from people who had seen it that it was going to be touching.
My surprise was to read after seeing it that it received 6 Oscar nominations for: Best Picture, Best Supporting Actor(Patel), Best Supporting Actress(Kidman), Best Adapted Screenplay.
I really wish it gets all the prizes it deserves, I can't find it any flaw or thing I didn't like.
It is based on the book A long way home by Saroo Brierley and it tells the story of a little boy from a poor Indian village. 
The little boy, Saroo, follows his brother Gudduu to work , they arrive at a train station and Saroo gets lost. He travels 1600 km by train , arrives in Calcutta, nobody helps him, is about to be sold, but escapes.
He is taken to the police by a man and then sent to an orphanage. A family from Australia decides to adopt him and his miserable life changes.
The same family adopts another indian boy an year later, Mantosh,but he doesn't adapt as well as Saroo.
20 year later, Saroo goes to Melbourne to study hotel management and he meets Lucy ( Rooney Mara).
He begins to think more about his childhood, his brother and mother, dreams about the places he used to see when was a kid and tries with Google Earth to find exactly where he came from.
After a painful search he discovered the place and decides to go and find his family. For me, it was very touching the moment when I meets his mother again and finds out his brother was killed by a train the same night when he was lost.
That was the moment when I start crying, it's symbolic the moment when you find your roots, because we all need them in order to know who we really are...
His mother never gave up to the idea that one day her son is going to come home,so she never moved.
In the end we found out that the boy's name was Sheru which means lion.
Dev Patel(Sarro) is incredibly good and expressive in this film. His presence seemed familiar, probably because I had seen him a couple of weeks ago in The Man who knew Infinity(the story of a mathematician), another movie I found very captivating.
The movie it's not easy, with great poverty , with an orphanage that seems unreal even for animals, kids who disappear and are sold for money.
On the same note saw yesterday Sold, a movie about a poor 13 years girl from Nepal who is sold to a pleasure house in India and forced to all kind of things...
The curly hair, the eyes, the drama , they all make me think it's been such a great role for Patel and this movie it's been a delight.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

My writing: Fake life(26)

Today I'm quiet. Actually I'm too hurt and don't feel like talking to anyone about anything.
I'm at that point when I'm trying to understand all that I heard from you during that argument.
It's like I don't believe it's true,but the pain in my chest and sleepless nights remind me...
I don't think anything will be able to repair the damage or change my mind...your ego was too big.
I don't need you to justify a thing,or hear any apologies,these are useless now.
I still have the bitter taste of those words so cruel that hurt me,one after the other.
I remember my tears and anger. The feeling of being useless and all those questions.
Too much damage for what?
Where are we now? 
We used to be friends and all we do is keep arguing and hurting one another.  
When you give your best and  you are continuously rejected I see no way one can do better.
I don't care if you realize this when you see me leaving....I won't stay where I'm not wanted.
I need my peace of mind back!
I have to make those dreams come true...
After all , I need someone to choose me every time under any circumstances....

Friday, January 13, 2017

My Writing: I don't want to lose anymore(25)

Baby, I feel like crying today. A 13th Friday and no good luck. Never thought it was going to be the day when I'm gonna lose it.
Maybe it's not only about that, it's all of the things that kept adding in the last months and today the glass was full.
You know I'm not good at good-byes, it's too painful. All I'd lost today reminds me of the most important people who aren't today with me. There will always be a connection between losing them and anything else I love.
It's not fair to keep losing when you've already lost more than you can handle. What for?
You don't need to be more powerful or be reminded what you've survived. It's something that you do every day, that's a hole you have with you wherever you go.
So baby,I didn't forget how it is to lose. I'm trying not to cry, but the tears come anyway and with them the pain I'd felt in that April day when I lost her.
I wish you didn't see me so vulnerable, but the feeling is more powerful and I know I have to express everything as it comes not hide it.
You can still stay with me so that I know I'm not alone. It means the world to me.
It's the best you can do for me, being there and let me cry over losing again something I'd loved.
I want to hide from this world for a little time, eating chocolate and you telling me jokes.
Maybe one day life will get tired of making me cry and I won't have to lose anymore something I love.

Monday, January 09, 2017

Blue Valentine & how I began to like Ryan Gosling

I've never been a fan of Ryan Gosling until I've seen Blue Valentine last Thursday. 
I've been the fan of the other Ryan, Reynolds, especially after last year's Dead pool, which was incredibly funny and sarcastic.
So coming back to Gosling , I saw La la land on December because it was a musical, but I had no expectations of it. And this was good, because i totally loved it and i began seeing Ryan in another light: a guy who can dance, sing and more express the feelings so well,not being another beautiful face in the cinema industry.
More, La la land has such a sad ending that left me thinking of the movie and Ryan's image at the piano for some days...
Then I saw The Notebook on 31st December, the movie everybody had seen except of me...
I think I heard of Blue Valentine years before, but never gave it a chance, tired of another Valentine's Day movie.
The truth is that the movie is everything,but not a Valentine's Day pink romantic movie. It's hard, blue, true, quite painful movie. And I liked it so much, that I saw it again on Friday night.
Ryan is just perfect for Dean's role, a guy who has many talents, paints and does other difficult jobs, loves his little girl and want to spend the time with his wife and daughter. What is curious it's that he has no other great ambitions or projects except of his family and is totally ok with this situation.
His wife,Cindy(Michelle Williams) is the opposite, she always wanted to be a doctor, even before having the baby and never gave up that thought that is consuming her.
Their story doesn't have the usual chronology: met, fall in love, married, kid.There is an interesting mixture of hard present and lovely past moments.
Maybe that's why it becomes quite painful to see their relationship falling apart, especially when Dean tries his best to keep things united.
Somehow he's the only one who tries and in the end you can't blame him at all. You can blame Cindy, but she's not guilty either, she wants other things and there's no love left for Dean as she says.
It's kind of cruel for Dean as he's the one who had accepted a child who wasn't even his, raised it and he has to go. 
There are many hard moments like  the night they spent in a hotel trying to save what's left, the moment from the hospital when Cindy is about to give up to her baby, their final argue.
But there are also some sunny , beautiful moments: the embraces, their song, the wedding with Cindy crying and Dean in a cheap blue costume.
The first thing that came to my mind after seeing it was: what's left when things are falling apart? 
What about having to give up at your best friend and not be able to embrace him?

Today , Ryan is the guy of the moment after winning his Golden Globe for the La la land performance. I'm so happy he did it and his speech for his wife was really touching and true.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Bye 2016, hello 2017!

2016 has been a busy year with ups and downs, when I didn't write on blog as much as it happened.
It has been an year full of events worldwide and also professionally and personal. If you ask me what I remember of 2016 I would tell you that I remember working a lot, but I still have doubts if this is the direction I want to continue...I'll have to see
In between of working a lot and being very tired by the end of the year, I enjoyed some Byron concerts and finally got to see HURTS live at Summer Well in august.
I didn't write about Summer Well, but I really loved the experience, the place, the happy people and the concerts. I discovered there Milky Chance really good live, the Neighborhood - some kind of pop rock.
HURTS were really great and I sang and danced all the concert. My surprise were The Chemical Brothers, with a great concert, the best visuals I'd seen and a story built from a song to another. I couldn't stop dancing at their concert. Definitely a must see!
I don't know what they planned for 2017 ,but I might go again at Summer Well. 
What it's sure is that I'm going to see Depeche Mode in Cluj :) in july. And I also want a Placebo 20 years concert.
As for travels , I finally saw Balchik in June and it was so different that I imagined, but I liked it.
Then in October with a great cold I'd been in Berlin for 5 days and it managed to surprise me again. I saw the Wall that  I wanted to see for years and the Brandenburg gate. 
Potsdam was such a great experience with its lovely buildings, the park and San Soucci Palace. 
For 2017 I have some travelling ideas and I hope to be able to travel more , because that's when I really feel free and alive.
2016 was not such a good year for my health as I discovered the thyroid problem called Graves Disease and still try to get used to it.
I had also seen a lot of good movies and read many great books.
After all the ups and downs there are moments when I feel stronger and more zen and I hope to keep on with this feeling.
I want some changes for 2017:to be healthy and fit, to eat the right food as possible, exercise more, have positive experiences, love and travel.

Happy New Year!