Tuesday, September 27, 2016

My writing: September story(21)

It was  a rainy September day. It had  been 5 year since I hadn't seen him or even thought about him.
And suddenly , out of nowhere, his image came to my mind so clear, all the details, small talks, like it happened yesterday.
Somehow I felt the urge to compare what was then to what is now and it seems to be 2 different lives. One mine and the other of a stranger.
It's like I was less who I used to be and more someone else and the past felt so far away.
I don't know if this had something to do with getting older, setting other priorities, dreaming other dreams. 
I don't even know which way was best,there are some regrets,painful moments, lessons I'd learnt, friends i'd made,people i'd loved.
Knowing how it is to lose someone you love, I am now grateful and I value all the people that love me, they are priceless.
I think it's normal to dream other dreams, nothing stays in the same shape and he was part of the past. A past that I'd loved and miss sometimes.
His memory hit me unexpectedly and it was so powerful and alive. There was a disturbing "what if" in my mind, challenging my thoughts.
"What if" things were different, I had been in another place, doing something different,could this had made me happier?
And I had no answer, I could only imagine a possible scenario...
It just felt strange that I thought of him when I tried to rebuild the present.... Maybe it was because of the rain.

Thursday, September 08, 2016

Azi ar fi fost ziua ta....

8 septembrie...Azi ar fi fost ziua ta, ai fi implinit 53 de ani...

Doar ca numaratoarea s-a oprit cu cateva luni inainte sa implinesti 51 de ani.

Azi nimic nu a mers, nu mi-am gasit locul, iar gandurile mele s-au indreptat numai catre tine. Ziua de azi a fost apasatoare, asa cum nu a mai fost de multa vreme, poate si pentru ca dupa toate cele intamplate in ultimele zile ti-am simtit si mai mult lipsa.

Azi nu am avut chef de glume sau alte banalitati, pentru ca lipsa ta mi-a reamintit de tot ce am pierdut si nu se mai intoarce. Sunt inca momente in care am flash-uri care dor, iar azi totul a fost atat de intens.

Te-am visat aseara, luam masa impreuna , erai fericita si radeam. Imi povesteai de copilul altcuiva si iti spuneam ironic : 'Cred ca am imbatranit', iar tu mi-ai spus : "Nu a zis nimeni ca nu vei imbatrani."

Cat adevar....

Si totusi asta nu ma face sa-mi fie mai putin dor, sa-mi lipseasca mai putin grija sau iubirea ta. Oare stii cat de greu imi este sa nu te vad?
Recent am visat ca ti-am pus aceeasi intrebare si mi-ai raspuns: " Si mie imi este dor de tine".

Cel mai adeasea ma simt norocoasa cand te pot revedea in vise, nu am mai mult....

Inca simt ultima imbratisare, imi amintesc cuvintele si dorintele ....

Imi este greu sa stiu ca nu-mi vei cunoaste copii, ca ei nu vor vedea cat de grozava esti, dar atata timp cat eu imi amintesc, tu existi!