December blues

I heard January is supossed to be the month when people feel the most depressed.
For me January had always been a moment of beginnings and December the most difficult month for some years.
At first I thought that it's due to the fact that I miss my mom around holidays, that I can't spend these moments with her.
But the holidays have no longer the same meaning to me, I can't be empathetic to all the excitement or joy.
Today I've been at a conference about kids with cancer and the most powerful image was that of people staying on a chair near a hospital bed.
Coming back from it I kept thinking of that image and suddenly I felt so much sadness along with the need to be outside to breath cold air.
After a while I began to cry and I realized which was the link about december and chair image.
In 2013,I spent most of December with my mum on a hospital, when she had the 2 brain surgeries.
It seems that my cells have their own memory and all the pressure I didn't feel at the time, I began to feel after.
This explains why december still feels like a survival period, because that's linked to what happened in the past.
What feels so painful was also precious time to spend with her and I'm grateful for all the moments I got to stay by her side.
There had been many hard moments, long and sleepless nights spent on a hospital chair and even Christmas day.
It's not easy when you feel so tired, or haven't slept in days, when you don't feel like eating or didn't have a place to shower because you couldn't find someone to replace you.
You don't have time to cry, you need to be there, cause that's what the caregivers do.
You can only heal by feeling, leting yourself be open and vulnerable can only take you one step closer.