Living in black

This story begins with one night and a panic attack. 

At first it didn't scare me, waking up I realised it wasn't a heart attack and told myself the lines that used to calm me:"you are safe here.You are safe now". 

The question remained in my mind:"why I experienced the panic attack and what was it telling me?" 

Then suddenly other signs followed:stomach pains, insomnia, no activity was giving me any pleasure and I was sad all the time.

All of these and a stressing event at work and I begin to have more panic attacks even at day time.

I began to feel afraid, the anxiety was high, at some point I was even afraid of going out of the house. 

I was afraid of the panic attacks and anxiety, all the preasure I was feeling on my chest, afraid I could just die at the next panic attack and I decided I needed help.

The first 2 weeks with new meds were extremely hard, nothing seemed to work,many side effects. I continued to feel afraid, I was waking up each morning with pressure on my chest and the feeling of panic. 

I didn't feel the need to eat, but I forced myself to eat even lower meals. I also began walking daily because I had no energy for gym or runnning. 

While everybody's life continued mine seemed to stop and each day was felt as a struggle. 

It frustated me that I wanted to feel happy and all I could feel was fear, emptiness or sadness. 

I began to doubt everything about myself and my abilities, because depression is a liar and it tells you all the wrong things. 

I never thought that depression was so heavy, that it affects and takes so much of your life. 

Depression is black, heavy and makes you think there is no light at the end of the tunnel. 

There is also the stigma around it, many people don't understand what it means and this makes you feel so alone while battling with depression. 

Depression is a disease you can't see and this makes it hard to handle.