33

 

Today is 33 and as much as I wish I were happy today, it was a very difficult day.

It's difficult to have depression and be happy on the same time, when everything is suddenly so different from what you were used to.

I used to feel some sadness in my previous birthdays, because my parents were gone and I was missing them a lot.

Today I struggled just to be, coming from a period when I had to take everything on very small steps from sleeping, eating,etc.

I came back to that period of not feeling so much and it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when depression keeps telling you how useless you are.

This is when I remind myself that I've been on a simillar road before after my mum died and somehow I managed to continue.

I remind myself that I managed to lose more than 15 kilos this year and  to have 3 full months of AIP, that I got back to gym and even to running for a short time this September.

I wish I were back there, but the lack of energy I have now makes it impossible.

Even with my closest friends, sometimes I feel absent these days and I wish so much to be the old me.

It's like all the good feelings were taken away from you and you are left with a lot of sadness and fear. 

Through these hard moments I found out that I have friends that care about me and thanks to their help I keep going each day until it is going to be lighter.

There is probably a lesson to be learned, that I'm not as alone as I thought after losing my parents, that I can continue and heal.