All the tears I want to cry

I thought I was prepared to see you again and I had no idea how hard it was going to hit me.

In my mind I was so over you and wanting you to see that I was looking better.

Maybe I seemed I was feeling better also, I was no going to let you see the anxiety and sadness that had been with me in the last months. 

Seing you made me suddenly sad and reminded me how you rejected me and that wound hurt again. 

There had been many rejections lately from people I least expected. 

Many hard moments and fears I had to face over and over. I've seen the darkest corners of myself, I've felt the panic and fear and had moments when I wanted everything to end. 

In those moments some people put me down, others threw me in the corner, others had been closer and helped me. 

There is so much pain, sadness and tears I can cry for these moments. 

I want to scream for all the parts of myself I had to leave behind. I want to scream at all the people that rejected me and told me how less I value. 

I would scream at everybody who didn't believe anxiety was real,while I couldn't eat, sleep or relax. 

But people don't like people who aren't happy. 

That's why in front of you I may seem unchaged, while inside everything is still messy. 

I was afraid of seing you again because of all the tears I could cry