Almost 30

It's been more than 2 weeks since I'm feeling the pressure of turning 30. It's pretty scary for me this year, I even dreamt I arrived late for my birthday and the moment was gone.

Then another night I dreamt I was making a teal cake with my mum for my birthday and that made me happy.

For some reasons this year I don't feel the need to make a balance or to imagine myself 5 years from now. None of these. 

I just want to focus on the present as much as possible and to continue this habit.

I feel that everything is just where it should be and I am grateful for each experience, no matter what it brought me.

I know it's a privilege to add another year, but turning 30 made me kind of blue, some kind of a mid-life crisis.

Then once again I realized I'm too hard on myself and perfectionist. So, I thought what my young full of hopes 18th self would think of me ? 

I think that she would be proud of my journey , of me doing a job that I enjoy, of the places I'd seen. She would love the concerts I'd been to and the music I listen to every day.

She would probably can't believe I began going to gym, running for some time and still enjoying this activity.

She would like to read all the books I'd read and Murakami probably would be on her list of authers, near Dostoievski.

She wouldn't like that Dave's not that good looking any more and 40's are not that old...:)

She wouldn't believe she could lose her family so suddenly, mostly losing the person she loved the most. She would feel the loneliness scary and surely couldn't imagine how it really felt to go through such moments.

She would probably still dream of that no strings attached love, feeling that marriage is so far away and getting a tattoo is exciting.

I think my young 18th self would like what she had become, cause it's been quite a journey.
P.S.: I wish you were still here with me...