My writings:Missing you (9)

Almost 2 years ago I lost the person I love most and who loved me most. After this each new morning was about surviving the pain.

Now I remember many events I wish never happened. I also remember it was a cold rainy day on which I had to say goodbye , I was frozen and didn't want to. I was never good at good-byes, so how could I do this for the one I loved most?

Then for a long time I felt a disturbing emptiness, like a part of me was taken away and could never come back.

I was unable to sleep enough, to eat, to feel joy or sadness, I blocked everything because I didn't know how to manage your absence.

But when the pain took place there was no chance to ignore it. It was the pain of not seeing you anymore, talking to you, hug you, I was left in darkness still loving you.

I began to feel useless and the hard part were those memories that reminded me of you. Each memory hurt me because it reminded me I could never see you again. 

There are still days when simple gestures or words remind me of you and pain hits again. Probably more time needs to pass until I'm healed, but I know I will never be the same .

There was also much anger in the first months without you because I felt abandoned, I was left without roots. It was even worse when I began to feel ill, I felt completely alone.

I also think that your painful journey had made me a better and more understanding person and I just hope I'd been a little help.

I still miss you and your love every day.